It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can I color on your dick again?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
