Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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