If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
