You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
