worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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