I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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