I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
