yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
