im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
