pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
