He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
