i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
