i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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