There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're a waste of cheezeits
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
