her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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