apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
