sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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