If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
