I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
