who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
