I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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