If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize