it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
