just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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