i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
