yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You don't make any sense
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