I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
