when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
