he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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