Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you had me at cake vodka
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
