you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
