U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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