I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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