Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
