God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
