my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
