Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
