I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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