Swine flu. Run for my life!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
