I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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