My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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