Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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