I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
