My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
