Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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