There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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