They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
