why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Damn victory sex feels great
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
