I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
