Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
