he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
