The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
