Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
